A Fork in the Road

I’ve been in a strange place in my life lately.  It sounds like it would be an awesome place.  I get to go back to school, find a fun job, do something wonderfully benevolent . . . whatever I choose to do or become is open to me right now.  The hard part is knowing what that is.  The first part is figuring out who I am now and what my new purpose is.  I’ve heard that it is purpose that guides us through the darkness.  When you lose that, all you have left is darkness.

It is kind of weird rediscovering or rebuilding who you are.  It isn’t like you can talk about it because all of the things that you were or did aren’t really relevant any longer.  While trying to explore ideas and asking for insight, my friends will invariably say “hey, look what you did then.”  That is akin to telling someone who is hungry now to remember the sandwich you had last year.  Yes, it was a great sandwich.  Doesn’t really solve the problem, though, does it.

So, this seems to be a solo voyage of discovery.  It gets lonely, too.  

Sometimes I wonder which way to go because I feel like everything is available to me, yet nothing seems to ignite my interest.  Do I just keep trudging down an uncomfortable path hoping there is something down the way that will be IT?  Keep jumping from thing to thing just to keep busy?  Or sit at this fork in the road and wait for the Cheshire Cat to show up?  Actually, the Cheshire Cat has some pretty wise words thanks to Lewis Carroll.

"Alice came to a fork in the road.  'Which road do I take?' she asked.  'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.  'I don't know,' Alice answered.  'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter."

When it doesn't really matter it is hard to take the first steps because, well, it doesn't really matter.  Yeah, I know.  Sounds horribly like self pity, doesn't it?  HEY, it doesn't matter. . . shouldn't that be freeing?  It is like I'm trying to make up a purpose for me.  Just wondering if a made up purpose is a real purpose?  Does a made up purpose even matter?