Fill In Your ________ (or My Soap Box)

When people are talking about how much they dislike ___________ (gays, smokers, disabled, tattoos, abortion, divorce, Lutherans, military, fill-in-the-blank) if they ever wonder how they may be talking to a ___________, or is the mother of a ____________, or is widow of a soldier.   Do they ever wonder how their words of superiority and condemnation of this group of people to their friend could actually be a knife of judgment cutting and stabbing their heart?  They think they know me and can ‘trust’ me with their ‘truths’, but, seriously, how do they know for sure that I’m not a gay, smoker, divorced and disabled Lutheran, and daughter of a tattooed, Vietnam POW victim?   I hear and see comments about how all _________ are filthy, sinner, moronic, weak-willed scum, and how, of course, I’d understand that because I’m such a lovely person.  Well, I don’t.

Recently I had a friend telling me how awful _________________ were.  I listened to her, and I guess my silence, born from disbelief at what I was hearing, was seen as agreement.  She continued.  Coming from such a kind, service minded, friendly person, I was kinda shocked that I was hearing what I was hearing.  When it was my turn to talk, I just said back to her what she had said about ____________ but used a group/term that was part of her life.   She got super defensive and started justifying her situation.   I’m not saying she is right or wrong, but her words hurt and not because I was part of that particular group (I wasn’t, but I’m sure I’m part of some abhorrent-to-someone group), but because hate hurts.  That broad stroke of judgment was without mercy, understanding or grace.  She can have her opinion and God bless her, but don’t spew that hate my way.  Normally I wouldn’t be that confrontational, however this time it felt good.  I actually still like this lady and don’t know why she has so much negative energy about these people but I hope her angst goes away some time soon.

Here’s my take on things and some might say I’m being wishy washy or that I’m not toeing the line or fighting the good fight, but here it is none-the-less.  I may not understand why someone could be _______________ or participate in ___________, or why they’ve been diagnosed with __________ but then I don’t have their background, don’t know that my understanding of life is exactly right on, or been in the situation.  SO how on earth can I have the exact truth for them?  I’m still trying to figure out what is right for me and that seems to be a full time job. 

Every person has a story and that story has what brought them into your world.   Love them where they are, as they are.  Invest in them as you’d like to be invested in.   Who knows?  We might actually learn something kinda cool, like _______________ are just like you.  They are not judging you because you are _____________.   Apparently, because they like being in your life, they must have a great taste in picking friends, huh?  

 It seems to me that our fill-in-the-blanks pretty much look the same.  Don’t you?

When Dominos Fall

When someone asked who I am, I used to answer all the things I did.  I am a mom, an accountant, wife of a military man, but, as wonderful as those roles are, they aren’t who I am.  A few years ago I lost my identity, or what I had thought was my identity.  No, it was not a hacker stealing my information and pretending to be me.  I entered the world of empty nest.  I remember talking about all the things I’d do once the kids were launched and managing their own lives.  I’m sure every parent understands that feeling.  But reality of empty nest is much different that the dreams.  Utopia, it is not.

At first life was a lot of fun.  I trained for a marathon with a bunch of girlfriends, played bunko, learned to scuba dive, took classes, wrote, traveled, bought a sports car and really burned the candle at both ends.  Not a healthy way to live, seriously.  I drank too much, ate too little, trained too much, and slept only a little all while managing a full time job as a senior accountant.  Not surprisingly, I got sick.  Even during the shock of the illness (I had never gotten sick), I still kept trying to go, go, go trying to fill the hole in my life that I didn’t realize was there.  I didn’t listen to the universe, my body or people around me who could see me deteriorating.   The dominos started to fall.

I eventually left my job.  I couldn’t focus or concentrate enough to do the work, just couldn’t connect with it at all, and I asked if I could retire early.  Fortunately, my bosses were super understanding.  I’m sure they could see that I was in a bad place.

Shortly after I retired I lost my fitness level due to injury.  If nothing else, I was the person people looked to for fitness.  There wasn’t a race I wouldn’t try, a hike I wouldn’t do or a boot camp I didn’t master.  And now I lost that, too. 

What I didn’t realize was that I had lost my joy.  Feeling so disconnected from everything was something new to me. None of my usual tricks for snapping myself back worked.  I wanted my WOW back.  I’ve tried rekindling some of the fires of things that once gave me joy, but they fizzled out pretty fast.

Now I’m on a search looking for what I want to do now.  Where do I go from here?  Work? School? Workshops? Classes? Reinventing me and learning that the roles I play in life are not who I am is an interesting voyage.

I think the hardest part, other than losing my identity as a mom, an accountant, a marathoner, a happily busy lady, was watching people leave my life.  People I had shown up for at anytime day or night didn’t want anything to do with me.  That hurt a lot.  One dumped me when I was having back problems and couldn’t drive.  She said I was making it up.

However, there are blessings in it.  The friends I have now are true, not just fair weather friends, and what a joy that is!  The feeling of being a blank slate is uncomfortable, but I pray for God to show me what my new purpose is, where my new path is.  In the meantime, I will just keep doing the next right thing.  I know joy is just around the next corner. 

Have you ever experienced this feeling?  Have you ever lost your joy?  What did you do when the dominos fell?

Good-Bye 2010. . . Welcome 2011

The holidays are such a wonderful time of year, but they can be stressful, too.  It is so much fun to go to the parties, galas, concerts, pageants, and events, but sometimes the events double timed me.  I’ve had to forgo a few things just because I can’t be in two places at once.   And my list of things that have to be done for the holidays got way shorter this year.  Like I didn’t bake cookies this year.  We don’t eat them anyway, so what’s the point.  And I didn’t put up all of my decorations. . .  I just did the ones I could in the time I had.  It is still all good. 

It isn’t about decorations or cookies or events anyway.  To me the holidays are about the people in my life – none of which missed the cookies or decorations.   I’ve even used paper plates for some of the meals so I’m not stuck working in the kitchen when I can be playing with my family.  It is the people who matter. . . not the food, decorations, gifts. . . just the people.

Some of my favorite memories from this holiday season are watching my gentle father tend to his little dog, Mini; meeting Daniel and Katelyn at the airport; shopping in Corvallis with mom, Jessica and Katelyn, dancing with Jessica in the hall at OMSI, dancing with Daniel at the Calapooia, watching my mom and dad put in earplugs at my church (LOL – yeah, it is a little loud), seeing my mom laugh at my dog Jack, movie time with family, the laughter and conversations at the dinner table. .  .truly these are the blessings of the holidays.  And they all have to do with the people in my life, not what we were doing or eating, just them.

So as 2010 ends and 2011 begins I’m taking these wonderful memories with me, deleting some things off of my obligatory “to do” list, and watching for times I can invest more in the people in my life.  Truly, the gifts in my life are my family and friends.

Things that made me happy this week

1.  Finding my car keys Monday morning.  LOL!
2.  The amazing chili from the kiosk at work.  (not for wimps, trust me!)
3.  Megan's laugh.  She has the best laugh ever!!!
4.  Scratchably pink bellies on my dogs.
5.  Wind chimes during an autumn storm.
6.  Colorful leaves everywhere I look.
7.  An invitation to do an underwater pumpkin carving contest.
8.  Getting to fly an airplane.
9.  Turning 51 with so many blessed wishes from friends.
10. Enjoying sleeping in on the weekend.  

Flying

I had a wonderful experience today.  I got to go flying.  My friend Tim asked me if I wanted to go, and before he got the question out, I was screaming YES!  It was so much fun.  He picked me up at the Albany airport and we flew at 120 knots over I-5 towards Harrisburg, OR.  I loved the flying, but more amazed at the beauty of the town I live in. 

Everyday while driving to work I marvel at the beauty of this place, but seeing it from the air. . . well, it just took my breath away.

Tim offered me the controls of the airplane while traveling over I-5, but I declined.  I needed to know more about what was going on in the cockpit, so I asked a ton of questions about the gauges, and what things were. . . then just watched him operate things while I took pictures.

We landed on a grass strip outside of Harrisburg where he learned to fly.  That was really cool.  The we took off for the Lebanon airport where Tim again offered me control of the airplane. 

My hands were shaking and my palms sweaty as I took hold of the yoke.  It wasn’t 2 seconds in before I realized that any movement I had, no matter how slight, made the airplane move and that I had to undo that movement. 

It isn’t like driving a car.

But, thanks to Tim’s patience with me, I eventually flew the plane for a few minutes alone and am still alive to talk about it. 

We stopped at the airport in Lebanon, OR where I got to meet the owner.  He was a very gentle man who only had wonderful, positive thing to say.  And he had an office dog.  So I liked him immediately.

After leaving the Lebanon airport, we hit some turbulence.  It made me laugh.  It was way better than a roller coaster ride, and I knew there was nothing really wrong with the plane. . .  just bumpy air.  Tim was happy that is didn’t upset me.  In fact, I was laughing.

Our ride ended way too soon.  We got to fly over my house (3rd pic ~ yeah, I live in the woods) and then we had to land and it was over.

But I know I will never forget the thrill I got from being in control, even for a short time, of an airplane.

Thank you, Tim, for that opportunity.

It is the people in you life that matter.

I just spent an amazing long weekend in South Florida with old and new friends.  After this weekend, I can promise you that it isn’t the place you at or what is going on in your life, it is the people in your life that matter the most.

My high school friend Charlotte planned this event for us and she did an amazing job.  It was both relaxing and totally fun.  How she managed to blend so much fun and so much down time so we could just chill is amazing to me, but, then Charlotte rocks.

It was our 50^th birthday bash with a bunch of friends from high school.  Yeah, we are all turning 50.  What better place to celebrate than on the beach with each other. .  . right?

We all stayed in the same hotel which was right on Hollywood Beach and the staff at the hotel was wonderful.  I felt so pampered.  And it was nice all of us being in the same place.  We ate together, and played together.

There were so many fun things that happened.  We went on a pub crawl one evening where we just walked the boardwalk and stopped in at the local venues.  Pubs, shops, ice cream, sand, music. . .  all up and down the boardwark.  It was wonderful.

Then there was a catamaran trip that was breathtaking from beginning to end.  The crew on the ship spoiled us rotten, and the views and sun and ocean spray just took away every stress and reminded me of how amazing this world is.  It was so fun to watch everyone play and relax.

I was only in Ft Lauderdale for 4 days, but I already miss my friends, and the new friends I met there.  I hope to go back soon. 

It was so nice to be reminded of my roots from these friends from 30 years back.  The people in you life matter the most.  Everything else is just noise.  

Invest in the people.  

Hugs to you all. 

I am a WARRIOR

OMG. . .  I did the most amazing race this weekend.  Check out the Warrior Dash.  What a COOL race. It was supposed to be with friends, but they all backed out, so I ended up at the starting alone without friends but with 100 other WARRIORS.  I made some connections pretty quick, though.  

The race started with fire belching out of the starting line which actually helped.  By this time I was shivering and fire warmed me up while I waited for my turn to cross the timing mat.  The first 200 yards were nothing but a normal race with some of the steepest hills I’ve ever done in my life, but then I ended up at a pond with five logs 4 feet in diameter in 45* water that was chest high.  I had to scale all five logs. .  . and I did with help and giving help to several other warriors.

Then  onward up a muddy boggy slope to another obstacle….easy one this time.   But the next one was difficult.  It was called the wolfs spider web.  It wasn’t hard except that it totally screwed up our depth perception.  We could see that something was there, but it was difficult to find them without getting tangled in them.  Then a few more climbing challenges, several rope challenges that were difficult at best, (splinter galore and lots of mud) then more steep hills.  And when I say steep hills that we had to climb, the event organizers understood that we were in mud and may need some help.  They had ropes dangling down so we could actually pull ourselves up these horrible, oxygen stealing hills.  Or repel ourselves down them, whatever the case may be.  I actually just sat on one and slid down on my behind.  

THEN, we came to these tunnels.  Okay, no big deal, except once in them. . . . everything was pitch black and they went on for eons.  I was crawling, running into other racers, have other racers run into me.  We couldn’t see ANYTHING.   But once outta that we only had a few more obstacles to go.  

Next was the fire pits.  I was fine with what I saw in the intro videos, but what I had in front of me was WAY bigger.  So I stopped and watched a few others do it first.  Those flames were waist high.  But I ran and scaled them all.  I could feel the flames but didn’t get scorched.  

But the last obstacle  was a mud pit however it wasn’t too deep at first, but it varied.  There was  a lot of barbed wire across the top.  I had to crawl through this mud pit, under the barbed wire. . . . and it was long and scary.  But I made it to the finish line covered in mud, totally proud.  

I am a WARRIOR.   I even have a viking hat to prove it!

Wanna do the race with me next year?  It is amazingly fun, totally challenging and NOTHING like you’ve ever done before.  See you at the starting line.