Which Lane? And Why is There no Center??

The other day I was in some minor traffic in a school zone.  The person in front of me insisted on going 15mph instead of the posted 20mph.  But I acquiesced figured they had a reason.  However, their reasoning, whatever it was, left me ‘stuck’ behind  several other cars which lead me to follow another person who was going 30mph in a 45mph on a small curvy road that had no passing lanes.  So, again, I figure they had their reasons and let off the gas to slow down to not crowd them.  Which lead me to an intersection, that they got feely thru,  with me waiting again for another group of folks.  Many who were turning onto the road I was on, but didn’t have their blinkers so how could I know, and I waited.

 

Anyway, I made it home safe and sound.  But I wonder sometimes.  Did God put these people in my path to keep me from some horrible accident? Was I in the wrong lane somehow? Did He want me to learn patience or tolerance?   Was I being a jerk?  Or was it just normal life. 

 

That person in line in front of us who needs a price check, who’s card doesn’t work, or they forget they have to swipe it.. . .they leave you wondering ‘why doesn’t he get this???’  Well, until it happens to us when we are the ones when things don’t work right.  When we notice that someone is on our tailgate and we don’t know why.

So, you all get a pass from me.  I get you.  I am you.  Sorry if it was me behind you today.  I’m still figuring out which is  the center lane. 

A Fork in the Road

I’ve been in a strange place in my life lately.  It sounds like it would be an awesome place.  I get to go back to school, find a fun job, do something wonderfully benevolent . . . whatever I choose to do or become is open to me right now.  The hard part is knowing what that is.  The first part is figuring out who I am now and what my new purpose is.  I’ve heard that it is purpose that guides us through the darkness.  When you lose that, all you have left is darkness.

It is kind of weird rediscovering or rebuilding who you are.  It isn’t like you can talk about it because all of the things that you were or did aren’t really relevant any longer.  While trying to explore ideas and asking for insight, my friends will invariably say “hey, look what you did then.”  That is akin to telling someone who is hungry now to remember the sandwich you had last year.  Yes, it was a great sandwich.  Doesn’t really solve the problem, though, does it.

So, this seems to be a solo voyage of discovery.  It gets lonely, too.  

Sometimes I wonder which way to go because I feel like everything is available to me, yet nothing seems to ignite my interest.  Do I just keep trudging down an uncomfortable path hoping there is something down the way that will be IT?  Keep jumping from thing to thing just to keep busy?  Or sit at this fork in the road and wait for the Cheshire Cat to show up?  Actually, the Cheshire Cat has some pretty wise words thanks to Lewis Carroll.

"Alice came to a fork in the road.  'Which road do I take?' she asked.  'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.  'I don't know,' Alice answered.  'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter."

When it doesn't really matter it is hard to take the first steps because, well, it doesn't really matter.  Yeah, I know.  Sounds horribly like self pity, doesn't it?  HEY, it doesn't matter. . . shouldn't that be freeing?  It is like I'm trying to make up a purpose for me.  Just wondering if a made up purpose is a real purpose?  Does a made up purpose even matter?

 

Fill In Your ________ (or My Soap Box)

When people are talking about how much they dislike ___________ (gays, smokers, disabled, tattoos, abortion, divorce, Lutherans, military, fill-in-the-blank) if they ever wonder how they may be talking to a ___________, or is the mother of a ____________, or is widow of a soldier.   Do they ever wonder how their words of superiority and condemnation of this group of people to their friend could actually be a knife of judgment cutting and stabbing their heart?  They think they know me and can ‘trust’ me with their ‘truths’, but, seriously, how do they know for sure that I’m not a gay, smoker, divorced and disabled Lutheran, and daughter of a tattooed, Vietnam POW victim?   I hear and see comments about how all _________ are filthy, sinner, moronic, weak-willed scum, and how, of course, I’d understand that because I’m such a lovely person.  Well, I don’t.

Recently I had a friend telling me how awful _________________ were.  I listened to her, and I guess my silence, born from disbelief at what I was hearing, was seen as agreement.  She continued.  Coming from such a kind, service minded, friendly person, I was kinda shocked that I was hearing what I was hearing.  When it was my turn to talk, I just said back to her what she had said about ____________ but used a group/term that was part of her life.   She got super defensive and started justifying her situation.   I’m not saying she is right or wrong, but her words hurt and not because I was part of that particular group (I wasn’t, but I’m sure I’m part of some abhorrent-to-someone group), but because hate hurts.  That broad stroke of judgment was without mercy, understanding or grace.  She can have her opinion and God bless her, but don’t spew that hate my way.  Normally I wouldn’t be that confrontational, however this time it felt good.  I actually still like this lady and don’t know why she has so much negative energy about these people but I hope her angst goes away some time soon.

Here’s my take on things and some might say I’m being wishy washy or that I’m not toeing the line or fighting the good fight, but here it is none-the-less.  I may not understand why someone could be _______________ or participate in ___________, or why they’ve been diagnosed with __________ but then I don’t have their background, don’t know that my understanding of life is exactly right on, or been in the situation.  SO how on earth can I have the exact truth for them?  I’m still trying to figure out what is right for me and that seems to be a full time job. 

Every person has a story and that story has what brought them into your world.   Love them where they are, as they are.  Invest in them as you’d like to be invested in.   Who knows?  We might actually learn something kinda cool, like _______________ are just like you.  They are not judging you because you are _____________.   Apparently, because they like being in your life, they must have a great taste in picking friends, huh?  

 It seems to me that our fill-in-the-blanks pretty much look the same.  Don’t you?

When Dominos Fall

When someone asked who I am, I used to answer all the things I did.  I am a mom, an accountant, wife of a military man, but, as wonderful as those roles are, they aren’t who I am.  A few years ago I lost my identity, or what I had thought was my identity.  No, it was not a hacker stealing my information and pretending to be me.  I entered the world of empty nest.  I remember talking about all the things I’d do once the kids were launched and managing their own lives.  I’m sure every parent understands that feeling.  But reality of empty nest is much different that the dreams.  Utopia, it is not.

At first life was a lot of fun.  I trained for a marathon with a bunch of girlfriends, played bunko, learned to scuba dive, took classes, wrote, traveled, bought a sports car and really burned the candle at both ends.  Not a healthy way to live, seriously.  I drank too much, ate too little, trained too much, and slept only a little all while managing a full time job as a senior accountant.  Not surprisingly, I got sick.  Even during the shock of the illness (I had never gotten sick), I still kept trying to go, go, go trying to fill the hole in my life that I didn’t realize was there.  I didn’t listen to the universe, my body or people around me who could see me deteriorating.   The dominos started to fall.

I eventually left my job.  I couldn’t focus or concentrate enough to do the work, just couldn’t connect with it at all, and I asked if I could retire early.  Fortunately, my bosses were super understanding.  I’m sure they could see that I was in a bad place.

Shortly after I retired I lost my fitness level due to injury.  If nothing else, I was the person people looked to for fitness.  There wasn’t a race I wouldn’t try, a hike I wouldn’t do or a boot camp I didn’t master.  And now I lost that, too. 

What I didn’t realize was that I had lost my joy.  Feeling so disconnected from everything was something new to me. None of my usual tricks for snapping myself back worked.  I wanted my WOW back.  I’ve tried rekindling some of the fires of things that once gave me joy, but they fizzled out pretty fast.

Now I’m on a search looking for what I want to do now.  Where do I go from here?  Work? School? Workshops? Classes? Reinventing me and learning that the roles I play in life are not who I am is an interesting voyage.

I think the hardest part, other than losing my identity as a mom, an accountant, a marathoner, a happily busy lady, was watching people leave my life.  People I had shown up for at anytime day or night didn’t want anything to do with me.  That hurt a lot.  One dumped me when I was having back problems and couldn’t drive.  She said I was making it up.

However, there are blessings in it.  The friends I have now are true, not just fair weather friends, and what a joy that is!  The feeling of being a blank slate is uncomfortable, but I pray for God to show me what my new purpose is, where my new path is.  In the meantime, I will just keep doing the next right thing.  I know joy is just around the next corner. 

Have you ever experienced this feeling?  Have you ever lost your joy?  What did you do when the dominos fell?

Good-Bye 2010. . . Welcome 2011

The holidays are such a wonderful time of year, but they can be stressful, too.  It is so much fun to go to the parties, galas, concerts, pageants, and events, but sometimes the events double timed me.  I’ve had to forgo a few things just because I can’t be in two places at once.   And my list of things that have to be done for the holidays got way shorter this year.  Like I didn’t bake cookies this year.  We don’t eat them anyway, so what’s the point.  And I didn’t put up all of my decorations. . .  I just did the ones I could in the time I had.  It is still all good. 

It isn’t about decorations or cookies or events anyway.  To me the holidays are about the people in my life – none of which missed the cookies or decorations.   I’ve even used paper plates for some of the meals so I’m not stuck working in the kitchen when I can be playing with my family.  It is the people who matter. . . not the food, decorations, gifts. . . just the people.

Some of my favorite memories from this holiday season are watching my gentle father tend to his little dog, Mini; meeting Daniel and Katelyn at the airport; shopping in Corvallis with mom, Jessica and Katelyn, dancing with Jessica in the hall at OMSI, dancing with Daniel at the Calapooia, watching my mom and dad put in earplugs at my church (LOL – yeah, it is a little loud), seeing my mom laugh at my dog Jack, movie time with family, the laughter and conversations at the dinner table. .  .truly these are the blessings of the holidays.  And they all have to do with the people in my life, not what we were doing or eating, just them.

So as 2010 ends and 2011 begins I’m taking these wonderful memories with me, deleting some things off of my obligatory “to do” list, and watching for times I can invest more in the people in my life.  Truly, the gifts in my life are my family and friends.

Things that made me happy this week

1.  Finding my car keys Monday morning.  LOL!
2.  The amazing chili from the kiosk at work.  (not for wimps, trust me!)
3.  Megan's laugh.  She has the best laugh ever!!!
4.  Scratchably pink bellies on my dogs.
5.  Wind chimes during an autumn storm.
6.  Colorful leaves everywhere I look.
7.  An invitation to do an underwater pumpkin carving contest.
8.  Getting to fly an airplane.
9.  Turning 51 with so many blessed wishes from friends.
10. Enjoying sleeping in on the weekend.  

Flying

I had a wonderful experience today.  I got to go flying.  My friend Tim asked me if I wanted to go, and before he got the question out, I was screaming YES!  It was so much fun.  He picked me up at the Albany airport and we flew at 120 knots over I-5 towards Harrisburg, OR.  I loved the flying, but more amazed at the beauty of the town I live in. 

Everyday while driving to work I marvel at the beauty of this place, but seeing it from the air. . . well, it just took my breath away.

Tim offered me the controls of the airplane while traveling over I-5, but I declined.  I needed to know more about what was going on in the cockpit, so I asked a ton of questions about the gauges, and what things were. . . then just watched him operate things while I took pictures.

We landed on a grass strip outside of Harrisburg where he learned to fly.  That was really cool.  The we took off for the Lebanon airport where Tim again offered me control of the airplane. 

My hands were shaking and my palms sweaty as I took hold of the yoke.  It wasn’t 2 seconds in before I realized that any movement I had, no matter how slight, made the airplane move and that I had to undo that movement. 

It isn’t like driving a car.

But, thanks to Tim’s patience with me, I eventually flew the plane for a few minutes alone and am still alive to talk about it. 

We stopped at the airport in Lebanon, OR where I got to meet the owner.  He was a very gentle man who only had wonderful, positive thing to say.  And he had an office dog.  So I liked him immediately.

After leaving the Lebanon airport, we hit some turbulence.  It made me laugh.  It was way better than a roller coaster ride, and I knew there was nothing really wrong with the plane. . .  just bumpy air.  Tim was happy that is didn’t upset me.  In fact, I was laughing.

Our ride ended way too soon.  We got to fly over my house (3rd pic ~ yeah, I live in the woods) and then we had to land and it was over.

But I know I will never forget the thrill I got from being in control, even for a short time, of an airplane.

Thank you, Tim, for that opportunity.