Fill In Your ________ (or My Soap Box)

When people are talking about how much they dislike ___________ (gays, smokers, disabled, tattoos, abortion, divorce, Lutherans, military, fill-in-the-blank) if they ever wonder how they may be talking to a ___________, or is the mother of a ____________, or is widow of a soldier.   Do they ever wonder how their words of superiority and condemnation of this group of people to their friend could actually be a knife of judgment cutting and stabbing their heart?  They think they know me and can ‘trust’ me with their ‘truths’, but, seriously, how do they know for sure that I’m not a gay, smoker, divorced and disabled Lutheran, and daughter of a tattooed, Vietnam POW victim?   I hear and see comments about how all _________ are filthy, sinner, moronic, weak-willed scum, and how, of course, I’d understand that because I’m such a lovely person.  Well, I don’t.

Recently I had a friend telling me how awful _________________ were.  I listened to her, and I guess my silence, born from disbelief at what I was hearing, was seen as agreement.  She continued.  Coming from such a kind, service minded, friendly person, I was kinda shocked that I was hearing what I was hearing.  When it was my turn to talk, I just said back to her what she had said about ____________ but used a group/term that was part of her life.   She got super defensive and started justifying her situation.   I’m not saying she is right or wrong, but her words hurt and not because I was part of that particular group (I wasn’t, but I’m sure I’m part of some abhorrent-to-someone group), but because hate hurts.  That broad stroke of judgment was without mercy, understanding or grace.  She can have her opinion and God bless her, but don’t spew that hate my way.  Normally I wouldn’t be that confrontational, however this time it felt good.  I actually still like this lady and don’t know why she has so much negative energy about these people but I hope her angst goes away some time soon.

Here’s my take on things and some might say I’m being wishy washy or that I’m not toeing the line or fighting the good fight, but here it is none-the-less.  I may not understand why someone could be _______________ or participate in ___________, or why they’ve been diagnosed with __________ but then I don’t have their background, don’t know that my understanding of life is exactly right on, or been in the situation.  SO how on earth can I have the exact truth for them?  I’m still trying to figure out what is right for me and that seems to be a full time job. 

Every person has a story and that story has what brought them into your world.   Love them where they are, as they are.  Invest in them as you’d like to be invested in.   Who knows?  We might actually learn something kinda cool, like _______________ are just like you.  They are not judging you because you are _____________.   Apparently, because they like being in your life, they must have a great taste in picking friends, huh?  

 It seems to me that our fill-in-the-blanks pretty much look the same.  Don’t you?

When Dominos Fall

When someone asked who I am, I used to answer all the things I did.  I am a mom, an accountant, wife of a military man, but, as wonderful as those roles are, they aren’t who I am.  A few years ago I lost my identity, or what I had thought was my identity.  No, it was not a hacker stealing my information and pretending to be me.  I entered the world of empty nest.  I remember talking about all the things I’d do once the kids were launched and managing their own lives.  I’m sure every parent understands that feeling.  But reality of empty nest is much different that the dreams.  Utopia, it is not.

At first life was a lot of fun.  I trained for a marathon with a bunch of girlfriends, played bunko, learned to scuba dive, took classes, wrote, traveled, bought a sports car and really burned the candle at both ends.  Not a healthy way to live, seriously.  I drank too much, ate too little, trained too much, and slept only a little all while managing a full time job as a senior accountant.  Not surprisingly, I got sick.  Even during the shock of the illness (I had never gotten sick), I still kept trying to go, go, go trying to fill the hole in my life that I didn’t realize was there.  I didn’t listen to the universe, my body or people around me who could see me deteriorating.   The dominos started to fall.

I eventually left my job.  I couldn’t focus or concentrate enough to do the work, just couldn’t connect with it at all, and I asked if I could retire early.  Fortunately, my bosses were super understanding.  I’m sure they could see that I was in a bad place.

Shortly after I retired I lost my fitness level due to injury.  If nothing else, I was the person people looked to for fitness.  There wasn’t a race I wouldn’t try, a hike I wouldn’t do or a boot camp I didn’t master.  And now I lost that, too. 

What I didn’t realize was that I had lost my joy.  Feeling so disconnected from everything was something new to me. None of my usual tricks for snapping myself back worked.  I wanted my WOW back.  I’ve tried rekindling some of the fires of things that once gave me joy, but they fizzled out pretty fast.

Now I’m on a search looking for what I want to do now.  Where do I go from here?  Work? School? Workshops? Classes? Reinventing me and learning that the roles I play in life are not who I am is an interesting voyage.

I think the hardest part, other than losing my identity as a mom, an accountant, a marathoner, a happily busy lady, was watching people leave my life.  People I had shown up for at anytime day or night didn’t want anything to do with me.  That hurt a lot.  One dumped me when I was having back problems and couldn’t drive.  She said I was making it up.

However, there are blessings in it.  The friends I have now are true, not just fair weather friends, and what a joy that is!  The feeling of being a blank slate is uncomfortable, but I pray for God to show me what my new purpose is, where my new path is.  In the meantime, I will just keep doing the next right thing.  I know joy is just around the next corner. 

Have you ever experienced this feeling?  Have you ever lost your joy?  What did you do when the dominos fell?